


Controlled Thought

by A_True_Shipper



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 05:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11155584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_True_Shipper/pseuds/A_True_Shipper
Summary: Kageyama sees it everywhere, how it affects everything. But he doesn't think of it, not till it's time to.





	Controlled Thought

The cherry blossoms just don’t make Kageyama happy anymore.

As he walks along a path lined with cherry trees in full bloom, his eyes never brighten in childish awe at the sight. No, unlike the strangers he passes by, he never stops to look at them. Kageyama Tobio focuses on his smartphone, checking the weather, the news, social media and everything that can possibly occupy his mind for the few minutes till he’s at school. He has his thoughts planned out, so he never has a moment to let them drift where they always do.

Just like the strangers he passed by, the students at Karasuno are thrilled by the cherry blossoms. Nobody but Kageyama bothers to check their homework before class, and he is left alone to study till the teacher comes.

Many think that leaving him alone is the one thing that they can do for him.

Kageyama keeps his thoughts in check with an iron fist, analyzing every detail about the Meiji Restoration and writes them down. At some point he squeezes the pen so hard it makes writing harder, but it doesn’t matter to him. In the end he writes more words than the teacher says, but yet remembers nothing after stepping out of the class.  

It’s not of importance anyway.

 

_What a familiar scent…_

 

Nishinoya says hi to him at some point, but gives up immediately on starting a conversation as Tobio doesn’t even greet him back. Tobio knows he should’ve, but it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort. After all, he’s supposed to think about math now.

And so, sitting in a corner, he does. He checks his precise homework and re-reads the chapter of geometry even though it bores him to death. But it’s a necessary, dull thing to do before he can focus on volleyball again.

A vibration from his pocket, his smartphone, makes him drop everything quickly. It could be it, _please_ be it…

Tobio’s prayers go unanswered as he sees yet another daily text from Suga. It’s sweet, since he doesn’t go to the same school anymore, but it’s also a smack in the face. He texts a quick reply without even reading the message halfway. It’s all the same nonsense as always, and Suga probably knows it too.

 

_...It reminds me of something…_

Math is boring, but just like always Tobio is eager to focus on it for keeping his mind off things. With mechanical dullness he scribbles the equations to his notebook and glances at the grey clock every now and then, not knowing if it’s good or bad if the class is close to ending.

His schedule never bends. Lunch is predictably milk and some onigiri, both of which taste like nothing to him. He knows he used to love milk, but as he drinks the liquid he sees no appeal. Maybe he should just get water instead... Yachi comes to sit with him on a bench outside. She knows better than to try to talk, and she only doodles little nothings into her notebook as she eats her bento.

Kageyama appreciates the silence. Conversation is not something he needs, not something he can do. It’s unpredictable, and it could lead to his thoughts getting carried away. And he’ll do anything to organize his day better, to get rid of the unpredictable elements. There’s only so much time each week he can allow himself freedom.

 

_...But I can’t quite recall what._

 

His third class of the day is geography. Tobio writes the capitals of South America down at least thrice since he doesn’t want to participate in the group project he has been given. His teacher understands, and silently gives him some more assignments as the rest of the class works on their presentations. He doesn’t get odd looks anymore, this is simply the norm that everyone has accepted. Nobody tries to talk to him, nobody tries to be his work partner.

 

_...I hope the noise stops at some point._

 

Tobio’s actual school day ends after that lesson, but he doesn’t leave. He joins Karasuno High’s volleyball team in their daily practice, and everyone silences as he walks in. He changes to his volleyball clothes, and nobody talks to him anymore than is necessary. The lack of communication obviously worsens his results, but he makes it up with sheer determination. The loud smacks of him hitting the ball echo in the room, and he thinks that the others have to be afraid of him. Afraid of what he’s become.

There is one exception as always; Tsukishima. There is no empathy in his eyes, no understanding. The others keep trying to talk him out of it, especially Yamaguchi, but he keeps annoying Kageyama by acting as if nothing was different. He keeps pushing him, yells when Tobio gets something wrong. At some point Tobio wants to yell back something, anything. Start a fight.

Maybe that’s Tsukishima’s plan.

 

_...Is it ever going to stop?_

 

And so Kageyama forces himself to concentrate even harder. He is a strong person, immune to Tsukishima’s yells. Despite everything, he keeps a calm exterior for the entire time the practice goes on. As others leave him to train alone, it suddenly becomes harder to concentrate his thoughts. It’s just him in a darkening gym with a volleyball he keeps hitting harder and harder. His breathing is laboured, his clothes drenched with sweat and clinging to him. Thirst and hunger seem like minor issues till the clock hits the magical numbers.

18:34.

He can finally leave.

 

_...Shouldn’t I be participating in that?_

 

Tobio has carefully planned the time required to travel to his destination so he’s there exactly 19:00 sharp.

It takes three minutes to pack up his things.

It takes another three to cross the yard to get to the school gate.

It takes eighteen minutes to walk there.

It takes two minutes to talk to the people and take the elevator to the fourth floor.

And at precisely 19:00, Kageyama Tobio opens hospital room 164, which belongs to Shōyō Hinata. He frees his mind to think about it, no, about  _him_ again.

The room is small, cramped almost. There is one window slightly open on the opposite side of the room, and a fluorescent lamp giving unnatural light to the entire room. Tobio can taste the strong disinfectant used, and can hear a volleyball game going on in a small radio at the corner of the room he’d brought to Hinata. A steady beep of Hinata’s heartbeat is audible and visible on one of the dozens of monitors surrounding the pale figure of Hinata.

“Hi.” Kageyama says to his boyfriend, forcing a smile as if it meant something. He closes the door and sits on the chair he always sits on, and places his bag next to him. He fixes the cherry blossoms in the vase he brought him yesterday, and turns the radio off.

It physically hurts to look at Hinata, but Kageyama can’t look away or stop his thoughts finally running wild about him. A ventilator mask covers much of his sleeping face, and many wires and tubes run from Hinata’s chest and hands. His orange hair, once spiky and vibrant, has grown far longer in the three months he’s been in coma. It’s almost tangling with the cords.

 

_...Why can’t I recall that thing..._

 

Hinata’s muscles, once very toned from volleyball every day, have started to deteriorate. It’s not that bad yet, but Kageyama notices it. And he’s so, _so_ pale that Tobio wants to take him to see some sunlight badly. But that’s not possible, he’s been told that so many times already.

Tobio takes Hinata’s soft right hand in his and starts to stroke it with his thumb as he talks idly about whatever floats in his mind.

“...I don’t think I even like milk anymore, it’s just not the same…”

As he starts to talk about volleyball, Tobio lets go of his hand and turns to his bag to fetch a volleyball. He carefully places it on the bed so it doesn’t interfere with any of the wires or possibly make Hinata uncomfortable, and places Hinata’s hand on top of it.

Somehow the sight makes Kageyama smile a little.

And then he tells everything about volleyball he possibly can. The way they play now, the matches they have coming up, and how everyone misses Hinata.

How much _he_ misses Hinata.

 

_...Or is it a thing? Is it someone?_

 

At some point Kageyama starts to cry. Salty tears roll down his cheeks, but he smiles through it. His ray of sunshine, if he can hear him, doesn’t need any sadness. After the car crash, he doesn’t deserve _anything_ but happiness.

 

_...I need it, I need him to…_

 

And then the thing he hates happens. He starts to explain what if. How he _should’ve_ watched the movie with Hinata on that Wednesday, not wait till friday. How things would’ve gone if the driver who hit their car wouldn’t have been drunk, if he’d stayed home…

How Kageyama wished it could’ve been him hit by the car, not Hinata.

 

_...Toss to me… Toss me what?_

 

Tobio runs out of things to say, so he just puts his hand over Hinata’s so they both hold the volleyball. Even volleyball doesn’t feel the same anymore to him, so he closes his eyes and imagines playing with Hinata with the very ball they are holding.

 

_The volleyball. I want it from the setter so I can spike it and finally win…_

 

Once the clock reaches 21, Tobio knows he must leave or someone will make him leave. Depressed but also a little relieved to see Hinata again, Kageyama collects his things and takes the ball from Hinata after considering leaving it to him. He snaps the radio on again and stares at Hinata from the door for a while.

 

_I need to call his name so he knows who to toss to…_

 

Tobio puts his coat on slowly, as slowly as possible while looking at Hinata. The tears that stopped at some point start to gather again at the corners of his eyes as he stares at the sight he’s seen so many times with melancholy.

 

_...Come on, what’s the word..._

 

“Goodbye. I’ll come again tomorrow, love.” Tobio says and forces a smile for himself. He is about to turn his back when Hinata’s head shifts a tiny, tiny bit towards him.

 

“Tobio.”

Hinata whispers it with the softest voice, but to Kageyama it could’ve been a yell. The sound cuts through every thought and reaches the tiny back of his mind that he once called hope and lights every cavern of his mind in joy.

For a moment, Hinata’s eyes open halfway and they share a look for a second. Kageyama drops everything and rushes over to him, but Hinata’s eyes close again.

And it is then, when his tired eyelids closed again and Kageyama starts yelling at him to wake up in panicked desperation,  the steady beat of the heart monitor changes.

 

After a few very fast heartbeats, the beeping sound collapses into a terrifying constant line.

 

_I remember you now..._

 

_...So toss to me, Kageyama Tobio, my love._


End file.
